Merry Christmas children!

As I sit here in the years 2010 on Christmas eve all alone as is often the case through out my life I come to a realisation. There’s nothing I can say about Christmas that probably hasn’t been said before unless I talk about how it applied to me or affected me. My earliest memory of Christmas were of me and my sisters looking for our presents in the shed attic where they had been hidden in the pass apparently. Truth is I don’t think my parents bought us any presents often as were very poor. Some years we had a tree I think but I can’t even confirm that with my memory. I have a vague memory of us going as a family to the nieborhood welfare store to pick out some used gift for each one of us one year . When you hear that Christmas song “You better watch out! You better not cry …” as a child an you don’t get any gifts you automatically assume that maybe your were to bad to get toys from Santa. I recall on year we didn’t find anything in the attic hidden. I remember feeling sad and scared we weren’t going to get anything and I was going to have to lie to my friends in school about my gifts. The one thing that was sure about Christmas was that there was going to be some drinking going on with the adults. My Mom tried to make Christmas special for us staying up late wrapping the charity donated gifts but I knew and I think My older sisters knew where the gifts came from and it wasn’t from Santa. My Mom like to bake and cook for Christmas that was always a fun part of Christmas decorating the cookies . I especially remember her Tortieres which is a form of ground meat pie.Although I have to admit my ex wife exeeded all expectation when it came to making Tortiere . To this day I still crave Gisele's Tortiere and pinking pie! When your poor you often notice through out the year when there’s a shortage of food but I seldom have any memories of no food at Christmas so festive eating became the thing to look forward to every Christmas . Some years my parents would have a Christmas gathering with a few friends with music and dancing. Those were fun until my Dad over drank and made an Ass of himself again. It wasn’t long before I made the connection between alcohol and Christmas. I think the final nail on the coffin of My Christmas fantasy was when Santa came to our house drunker then a skunk passing out one gift to each one of us. Mine was a bull with a rocking head that you sit on your car dash. That was the only gift we got that year! Over the years I had few expectations about what I was getting for Christmas so I focused on “the giving part of Christmas”. Not that I had much to give but I would try to make something up . When I think back now I see that it’s no wonder I lied so much as a kid ! I had to lie to make my life even close to the life of my friends . As I grew older I became familiar with the practice of children bringing used toys to school to donate to the poor kids who had none . I also became aware that I was one of those kids getting the used toys so when I looked at the toys gathered in the box I now had some fun fantasising which toy I was getting for Christmas .Of course that was never a guaranty! As child I adapted ! I may not have had a lot of toys growing up but I had an awesome imagination that kept me enjoying life throughout the years. ! Our jails are full of children who didn’t adapt!

Alter egos and fantasies

I couldn't belive I stood up to Billy!Having an alter ego for me started long before I knew what an alter ego was. I recall as a boy while visiting friend Paul Paquette where I first encountered Marvel comic Super Heroes. I was instantly hooked! The very idea of having super powers one day and having a regular identity the next was something I just connected with. Oddly enough it wasn’t Superman who was my first role model . It was actually Birdman. All I remember is he was super strong and he got his power from the sun . Then there was Space Ghost who also got his power from the sun. I remember when my friends and I played fighting game I was just Paul and they would quickly over power me but soon I would stared at the sun and transform into Birdman! They would run and scatter as I now chased them using my super strength . Soon after Superman was my favorite. He had all the powers needed to do the job plus he had the secret identaty . Of course I never understood why poeple couldn't tell it was him under those glasses. Later on I began watching a Japanese show called Ultraman. I was older then but still in the fantasizing stage, since I wasn't dating yet. The story was a teenager who discovered a capsule the size of an aluminium cigar holder and when there was trouble , he would hold it in the air and say “Ultraman” . At this point he would change into this Giant guy in a tight space suit and fight giant monsters like Godzilla.Coincidently Ultraman's power source was the sun as well. I’m not sure what is the significance this But I know once I started liking girls my fantasies changed a bit. Things were simple back then in my childhood days. I was the powerless boy who would transform into a super hero when ever danger was near by.Of course it was all imaginary! Super heroes were the subjects of many of my childhood fantasies. Some fantasieslasted into my teen years. Then one day I remember I was mad at someone . I don’t remember who or why but I remember wishing I had real super powers so I could hurt that person. I remember becoming aware of this terrible thoughts of revenge inside me. Up until then I used to pray for super powers so I could change the world ,but now I came to a conclusion that I was a bad person and I should never have super powers. This thought proved to be true often in my life. As when I realised I had a special gift I would be self serving with it. So here I was now hanging around Pincrest project. My latest encounter with Billy left me feeling very powerful. In the past I had stood up to my enemies but this was different ! I actually attacked a bully and it felts great! From that moment on I became more aggressive in my response when challenged by a bully and they would usually back down quickly. It was as if someone had told everyone that I had beat Billy. I was the cool guy in that project that summer ! Even Mich Naux back down when I stood up to him and he was a well known street fighter. My confidence was brought back to normal one day however. John had found a walky-talky radio I don’t know where and I ended up with it . A voice over the radio was offering a reward for it so I contacted them and we arranged to meet. They payed me $100 for it in the form of a check and I gave them the radio. Everything seemed good until I found out the check bounced. So I went to General Security’s office to get my money . I was confident that once they saw me they would change there mind and pay me. As I was talking to the receptionist who had called them after I got there two large detective looking guys came in and immediately started punching me . I fell to the ground and they began kicking me in the face and the ribs then threw me into a closet. I have to say I was scared ! A few minutes later they pulled me out and sat me on a chair and cuff my hands behind me. They wanted to know where I got the radio . I wasn’t going to tell them that so they threaten to “take me for a car ride and drag my face on the pavement while we were moving”. I still didn’t talk so the tall guy who must have been six feet four inches put a gun to my head and treaten to kill me. They played what I now know as “good cop bad cop” routine but I didn’t talk. Finally the one who seemed to be in charge un cuffed me and led me outside . His last words were “we know where you live and if anything happens to our cars or radio they would find me and kill me”. Oh yes I forgot to mention that when they refused to pay for that bad check I treaten to damage there security cars. I was pretty shaken when I left there and the address they had was my sisters so revenge was not an option . My lesson on that day was bluffing is only good if you can back it up. I went there as Mike Young but my secret identity was blown as well. In the futur I would become better at kepping myself safe .Odly enough as my persoanlity changed ,I was unaware on how far from Paul's personality I was moving away from. In fact I actualy thought I was still the good guy fighting the bad.

When the past meets the present?

Through out my life it seems if there was someone I didn’t want to meet again that person would cross my path. A good example of this was Billy ! When I first started buying drugs I would usually go through Rick Boris but on day I went on Spark St. Mall looking for hash. A couple of guys approached me and asked me to follow them to a parkade . One guy was tall maybe 5 years older then me with long black hair and a beard . The other had long blond hair both looked like your classic Hippies. The blond guy ask me to give him the money and wait for him because his dealer doesn’t trust anyone. That seem plausible but I was still reluctant when he added “ my friend will stay here with you” That sounded safe so I handed him $20 and off he went . After waiting about twenty minutes he did not return and at this point his friend said : I don’t think he’s coming back . I replied “ I thought he was your friend?” “No “ he said “ I gave him money to get me hash too” ! I decided to go looking for him and parted ways with the guy who was with me . About 30 minutes later as I was walking down Spark St. I see both the blond hair guy and the dark haired guy sitting on the edge of the fountain. As I got closer I said” where’s my money ?” The blond guy boldly said “ You just got ripped you goof! Don’t” you get it?” This made me mad so I repeated “give me my money! Or else…. “Or else what? He said moving toward me with his friend beside him . I backed off and walked away and as I was walking I heard him say “ let that be a lesson to you , don’t trust anyone! “ I guess he’s right “ I thought to myself as I walked away in shame. A year later I’m hanging out at the Pincrest project where I would sometime stay at Dom’s place . I couldn’t impose on them all the time so as luck would have one day when I was walking back from Bayshore I found and old shed left behind on a torn down property. I found a mattress and some candles , and blankets! I made the shack quite cosy! The shack was surrounded by a dense bushy area so that’s where I would go to sleep. Sometime people I met in Pincrest would come over and smoke joints with me . One day this older teenager and his girlfriend came checking out my shack . The guy offered to smoke some hash with me . I immediately recognised him as the guy who robbed me on Spark St. I now knew his name because Dom had gotten beat up by him a couple of week before at a party and the discription matched this guy . It seems that when Dom wasn’t looking Billy kicked Dom in the face with no warning whats so ever. That evening Dom, Albert and even Richard Beatty were calling them out while standing outside there house. The police came and soon everyone was dispersed. I knew about Billy . His familly lived just half a block from my parents new place on the east side of Ottawa . He was a punk and spent many years in jail before and long after. I guess just knowing he spent time locked up should have been enough to satisfy my need for revenge but he also had sucker kicked my best friend Dom in the face . Here he was sitting on my bed with his girlfriend with him and me standing with my back to him heating my hot knives with a torch I found in one of my break in. My heart was pounding 100 miles per hour because I was about to do something I had never done in my life !Take revenge! “You don’t remember me do you? I said holding a chunk of hash between my two red hot knives as he was taking a toke of the burning hash. “No” he answered as he exhaled the smoke from his lungs . That’s when I dropped the knives on his chess and started punching him in the face with his girlfriend screaming and trying to hold me back . He managed to get by me and out the door his girlfriend behind him . I grabbed my bat that I kept for safety and followed them. “What’s your fucking problem!” he screamed as he was backing away from me moving forward. “You fuck in ripped me off for hash on Spark St. a year ago” I screamed while running toward him with my bat raised high. This guy was hard core ! Even with me holding a bat he was cursing at me and threatening to come back with a gun as his girlfriend was pulling him away toward the project. My heart was racing so fast I thought I was going to have a heart attack. As I was calming down I realise how stupid that was and began imagining him coming back with some friends to kill me. Rather then running like any intelligent person would when dealing with a nut case like that I sat down and smoked a joint because Mike Young doesn't run. I don’t know if he called the Police but they shoved up and evicted me from my shack about an hour later . The Police told me his name and who he was. I already knew his name but thats when I learned how dangerous he was. They said they picked him up on an outstanding warrant . That was a relief! I guess that’s the other side of the coin ! What I mean by that is through out my life I always seem to meet up with my enemies or people I never want to see again but the other side of the coin is things always happen to people who have done me wrong . The severity of what happens to them seems to correlate to how dangerous or hurtful they were to me. To this day I see this happening. When I was spiritual I used to attribute it to a force protecting me. Now that I don’t believe in spiritual things I don’t have an answer to why these things happen.

Mike Goes to Bayshore!

I’m not sure why I went to Bayshore Shopping center. Dom and his family had moved to Pine Crest project in the west end of Ottawa so I started hanging out there one Summer. Pine Crest was south of Bayshore and to the north was what we called Richie Project. Don’t let the name deceive you Richie project was a welfare housing projectand a tuff one. So I hung around Pine Crest project another low income housing . The was often a project rivalry between Richie and Pine Crest. I never got involve in it I was busy hanging out with Dom and awaiting any opportunity to get a glance at Theresa. Dom was working with his dad for a while and so did Theresa I believe. One day I headed out there but before I did I went to buy some mescaline . The guy didn’t have any but he had Angel dust. He warn me not to take the whole cape . “ Just put a little at a time on your cigarette” he said “but don’t take the whole capsule “! Well teenager being what I was I took the whole capsule and got on the bus at St. Laurent shopping center heading for the west end. My trip required me to transfer at Carling wood shopping mall . That’s when the drug kicked in and I started massive elusination ! I remember walking through Sear unable to differentiate a manikin from the real sales girl . At one point I was looking at a manikin and it turned and asked me if it could help me. Of course it wasn’t a manikin but it totally freaked me so I left the store and got on the Bayshore bus . I got off the bus and walked toward the wooded area where I thought I would feel safer .As I walked I felt like a giant robot when I walked and I was sure everyone could tell I was high.I discovered in the woods an old abandoned house where I decided to hold out for a while. These girls showed up I’m guessing on a exploring trip or just to hide and smoke pot. When they saw me they ask who I was and that’s when I said “ I’m Mike Young”. Of course with the name came my suspicious behaviour which was actually because I was higher then I could control. I say “control” because being in control had become one of my personality trait and not being in control scared me. That’s when I met Karen and her friend . Karen was only 14 but completely develop where as Lorraine Bryant was 16 . I started dating Karen for a while . Her parents went on trips a lot and she had the house to her self . On night after one of her parties I had the privilege of walking each of her friends home one by one . This is where I pulled a Fonzy and stole a kiss from 3 women in one night. Laurain was my best kiss and I became very attracted to her so I broke up with Karen to date Lorraine.Lorraine smoked pot and so did I but Karen did not. I remember spending a whole night on one of the storage locker on a lawn chair we found , fondling and kissing her. I really liked her .Once we all went to Britannia beach at night and we crossed though someone’s yard . A couple of guys came out and one grabbed me by the throat . Britannia beach was Richie project’s turf so I was in real trouble. Here I was with three girls and surrounded by two guys one holding me by the throat. Showing how scared I was not an option! I was Mike Young and the girls never saw anyone stand up to me. I grabbed his left hand that was on my throat with my left hand and did a cross over wrist lock on him which put him off balance . His friend was trying to help him but I would walk around my choking guy still hanging on to his wrist. The girls had run of by now so I had to find a way to leave too. I saw a fence stick on the ground so I pushed the guy I was holding on the other guy and grabbed the stick. They would try to move on me but I would make threatening gestures with the stick and they backed off . I kept repeating that we were just crossing through to go to the beach and I didn’t want to fight them. Finally they stop charging and told me “fuck off or we will kill you!” In those days gangs didn’t kill each other like today . They likely meant they would kick the shit out of me. I met up with the girls waiting and crying up the road and we never went back to that beach. Things were going well for me I thought.I was seemingly dating three girls and they didn't seem to mind. I didn't brag to any of them about what I was doing with the other so maybe they didn't know .Lorrain was the one I cared the most about however! One day Lorraine cancelled a date with me and I later found out she went out with an older boy who was her neighbour . Under Mike’s code I could not date a women who would lie to me so I broke up with her . That was the first time a women had been unfaithful to me and lied to me. I was shock! The messenger of this grim news was Karen not surprisingly . From there I dated Jamie the third girl I kissed . I was definitely a player before I even knew what that was . Even though I broke up with Lorraine I was still sneaking around with her at her babysitting jobs and we would kiss and fondel all night. In fact I spend time with all of them on there babysitting jobs. I even dated Karen’s older sister once but she was intimidating because she was into sex and I didn’t know enough about it yet. We hung out at the mall alot after smoking pot .By the end of the summer all three girls finally wised up and banded together against me. It was time for me to go .That was a fun part of that summer and my summer was just begining!It was during this time that I made a drug conection with someone in Richie project that would show up later in my life. I was sleeping over at Dom’s house alot ,so I started to spend more time in Pine Crest project.

Mike' codes

In order to exist as Mike Young I had to believe in the person I was creating .If I just called myself Mike Young and yet remain the same person sooner or latter I would trip in my lies and I would be exposed.It was importante that those who knew Paul did not know me as Mike. Getting caught in a lie is worst then death to me. The battle between good and bad was being fought inside me daily . I was inherently a good person ! After all my child hood role model was Jesus ! Even though Mike was created by my need for an alter ego to live and do the things Paul was to shy to do, He could not be evil! If I didn't like Mike I could never be him convincingly. As Mike I had to have a code of conduct and rules. Television and movies were my teacher and I was the student. For example when I started stealing I imagine myself to be Alexander Mundy from the show “It takes a Thief”. He was what I call a classy thief who took pride in his skill and plan all his jobs. He was a master at what he did and never carried a gun . He was like Robin hood and stole from the rich not the poor. I vowed that I would be that kind of thief !I was still very inexperience with women so I bought a book called “the sensuous man” and if you can believe it learn how to kiss and touch a women to make her melt. Two other of my role model from television was Kwy Chang King from Kung fu and of course Bruce Lee . From them I learned that you only should fight when you have to and never be a bully. Last but not least “The Fonz” from happy days. He would be my role model for picking up women . I wanted to be as popular with women as he was. At least in the beginning he always had lots of girlfriends . Later in the series they made him monogamous and I think that’s when I lost interests. As Mike those are the values that would define me and when I broke my codes of conduct I actually would feel ashamed . Eventually since my Dad wasn’t a great role model for me I found my own. Because my first role model was Jesus, my role Models as a teenager had to have some good in them it seems. This would get me through some of my future experience as well.

Mike Young

Why I called myself Mike Young ? I was going to bars from the time I left home and sometime I would get checked for ID. One day I found a wallet with no money but a birth certificate for Michel Gordon Young. Age 23 . I was high on acid that day so I pocketed the wallet and went walking down Bank street. I don’t know what it was about being high but for some reason I always met people. That day or night as it was I met these two girls I don’t know where they came from but they eventually asked me my name . I don’t know why but I said I was Mike Young and I was 23. I showed them my ID to prove it . Being on acid and elusinating periodically I started lying when they asked questions. I told them I was living in the Crown Plaza hotel so they ask to tag along. This was like my diamond mine story all over again . I don’t know what I was thinking ! Maybe I had hope they would wander off but instead they walk with me toward the Crown Plaza to “my place”. To get a clear picture here I was dress in what we called at that time elephant pants with high platform boots and a jean jacket button half way with no shirt. If you’ve ever been to the Crown Plaza hotel its like the Sheraton hotel . So I wasn’t quite dress for the occasion but I elected to continue with this bluff. By now you figured out I didn’t even live there but here I was in the elevator with two girls heading for my room. The elevator ride seem to last an hour that was the effect of the drug. Finally the 10 floor where I said I had a room . We got off and walk towards nowhere really until I picked a room then fished into my pocket for the key. “Fuck” I said “I lost my key”. I don’t know what I thought I was going to get away with but I said lets go down to the front desk and get a new one. As they walked into the elevator I stepped backwards and the doors closed behind them. “Finally “I thought I was ride of them. Another elevator door open and I got in and as bad luck would have it seem to stop on every floor taking on more people each time. Again it seem to take an hour to get to the main floor . Here I was in my shirtless jean jacket surrounded by people in suits and evening dresses. I finally got to the main floor and left that building. I walked all the way to Overbrook that night where my parents now lived . I think I actually saw the devil that night that’s how bad I was elusinating. You probably think this would teach me a lesson to not do drugs anymore and stop lying! The truth was it was a rush! I wanted to do it again and since I still had the ID of Mike Young I decided Mike young was in for a lot of fun!

The creation of Mike Young

My life was going to be great I thought as I went to work everyday washing dishes! Things were going ok I guess then I met Rick ! Rick worked as a cook for Kentucky Fried Chicken. He was tall and lean and pretty strong . Up until then I had a life plan as nieve as it was. Then one weekend Rick invited me to join him and some friends to go have a drink. Well not long after out came the pot ( Marijuana) and with it came the dare to try it. Peer pressure being what it is I joined in . I don’t think I got much from it that time Over a short time out came the hash to try. Now that I got high on and it quickly became my drug of choice. Rick had a best friend name Garry . Soon after we met Garry got himself a girlfriend so he didn’t come out as much anymore so Rick and I hung out over the weekend a lot. Rick had some home issues like his Dad committing suicide when he was 12 . Rick didn’t talk about it much but it affected his personality. . Suddenly I was experimenting with drugs like Mescaline, Acid, (led) and going out to bars in Ottawa and later crossing over to Hull . The only girls we ever picked up together were two blonds we later called the “For days ladies”. The reason being that if they didn’t get our jokes they would say “for days!”. We didn’t get it but that name stuck to them from then on. Rick was tuff looking and I never saw anyone mess with him . I once watched him take a guy down with two punches who was at lease 300lb and 6 feet 3. I think even Rick was surprised ! We hung out for a year on and off . Our path would often cross over the years and every time we would end up stone and drinking in Hull. Rick had a dark side when he drank . One day he beat up a guy for just saying “hi”. Another time he beat up a guy when we were crossing the street coming from a bar. That one landed us both in jail . I will talk about that later. We would hang out for a while then I would go my own way . Rick was my longest friendship besides Murray Scholfield. As I started taking drugs more often my perspective on life began to change .I also became less sensitive to and more angry . Maybe it was because of the drugs or maybe it was just that the drugs allowed my dark side to surface. I started leading a double life . There was the Paul that everyone close to me knew and there Mike Young the cool tuff guy . As I did more drugs Mike became the dominant personality . I would go of and meet girls under the name of Mike and then disappear back to my life as Paul for a while never to be seen by my new associates or girlfriends. Truth is as Mike Young I was unbeatable . No one mess with me and I sometime took on the identity of David Macavoy . I had girlfriends in the east end, in the west end and even some in Toronto. As Mike Young I didn’t care about anyone but myself . Then as soon as it started I would go back to being nice Paul for a little while . It was as if I was taking a holiday from being Mike . I would go live with my parents or my sister Francine then just a suddenly as I became Paul I would take off on another Mike Young adventure. Maybe it was the drugs or maybe it was just plain the adrenaline rush! All I know is from the moment I started doing drugs my life direction change.

My first job!

No mater how old I get I always get exited about starting a new job .The night before I usually can’t sleep and my first day I am tired as hell! Life in Manotic was remenistic of when I was a kid on the farm. My Dad’s drinking hadn’t changed much or his behaviour when he drank. My parents actually went back to having a few chicken for eggs and a garden. I think I was 15 now and I had made my decision it was time for me to “run away” . Rehal had run away since he was 10 , Francine had left when she was 16, and Carole had run away when she was 13 and many times after. It was now my turn. I started looking for a job and got one soon after I began my search. I was to be a dishwasher at a Kentucky restaurant on Spark street. It wasn’t really my first job because I used to work canvassing for paper delivery run when I lived on Lyon Street. For a while my Dad gave me rides to work and soon I had my first pay. I was making $2.00 and hour and feeling like I was making millions. Before I even had my first pay my Dad was already telling me that he wanted me to give it to him the day I get it . He wasn’t asking me to pay rent , he was asking me for the whole pay. “Big mistake” I thought to myself since I was already contemplating moving into the city someday. He just moved the schedule up for me. I started looking for a place and quickly found one about 2 miles from my work. My rent was $50.00/mnth. I paid my rent and started planning my run away. I think it was a Friday night because my dad was drunk again and reminding me about handing over my pay. I went to my room and packed quietly then waited for him to pass out. It was early in the morning that I decided to hitchhiked to my room . I was working that day so I dropped my backpack off and went to work. My Mom showed up in the late morning asking me what I was doing? My sweet Mom always in denial! I told her I had my own room now and I wasn’t coming home. She didn’t argue she turned around and left . So now I was on my own! My food bills were cheap because my meals were included for free. I usually started at 11:00 am so before I would make myself 2 club sandwich and a large milk . I ate all my meals there and took home fried chicken at night . I was free and I had great plans for myself . I was going to be better then my Dad and richer when I get old. All those dreams on $80.00 per week.

Fight or run?

When you read about my teenage years you may get the impression that I was getting in a lot of fight . That would be incorrect . In fact for the most part I live a very peaceful existence . I am still to this day very shy when it comes to approaching someone I am attracted to. The fear of rejection from such a person is so strong that often I just don’t bother. I will deliberately walk around a person or take a detour to avoid conflict . Even when I shop! If the lanes are to full I will avoid that lane and come back to it later. The question of fight or run was resolve a long time ago when I was in grade 6 . On that day it was my birthday and my friends were seeking me out to give me the “bumps”. One friend in particular was Richard who would not give up so easily. Richard wasn’t a bully in any sense . In fact in those days I didn’t have bully problems because my friends were the strongest kids in school. I was fast so I knew he would never catch up to me but I was so scared of him catching me that I missed my whole recess . When the bell rang I started walking back and he did catch me and gave me the bumps. I remember as I was walking into the school being ashamed that I had run and hid from him. I reasoned at the time that only a coward runs away so from that day on when confronted with the decision to “run or fight” run would never again be an option. I would however work very hard at avoiding confrontation. I believe that the people who have challenged me miss interpreted my attempt to avoid conflict as fear ! By the time they realise this its usually to late. The interesting thing about these people who disrespected me and tried to “power trip “ on me is that once I made my stand they would usually back down and no fight occurred. A second interesting thing is that once they back down they would never again want to talk to me again. Believe it or not I actually felt guilty sometime for standing up for myself! With the people I called “my friends” I would tolerate a lot more put downs and some time physical abuse . This is a pattern I would repeat over and over in my life even in my girlfriend relationship. I just took more until eventually I would stand up for myself which usually led to me loosing that friend or girlfriend. My evaluation of this is that once you give people power over you even if its just for a brief time they will not give that power back to you without a fight and if you win they will hate you! They wont resent you ! They will hate you!

The change begins

Some thing happen to me after that car accident !Maybe it was the accident or maybe I was just developing as a man and decided it was time I fight back . I was quicker to anger . Where before I would let people walk all over me for a long time now I was giving immediate response to insults or disrespect. Respect became very important to me and disrespect quickly angered me. On the other hand it was as if my personality split in two because I wasn’t always this new person . For the most part I was my tolerant self but I was changing and fear was no longer the force that control my decision. It was a while after my accident that I quit school . Not long after we moved to Manotic Ontario about 20 miles from Ottawa. It was a small house with a small barn . Across the street the people with homes had there back yard to the Rideau river. For a while I kind of felt like I was back on my childhood farm going for long walks along the railroad with our dog. I would go back to Gloucester street once in while because I was missing my friends Dom . More importantly I was missing Theresa . I would also go back to our old farm place to reminisce of when I was a boy. It was during that time that I met Carole Bard . She was a attractive redhead same age as me . I met her through my friend whom I didn’t know had a crush on her at the time . She however took a likening to me so I would hang out there dating her sort of. After a week or so I still hadn’t kissed her. I had missed my opportunity a few times and was never able to come back . So we never kissed . When I visited her I usually got a ride there with my parents who visited an old friend of there regularly. One day Carole and I were sitting on the front door step and my retarded sister Micheline was on the grass signing and rocking her head as she like to do sometime. A skinny boy came by on his bicycle and shouted out “ hey! Look at the retard!”. No sooner had he spoken the words I was on top of him knocking him off his bicycle . I was punching him in the face as he was trying to cover up. “Paul stop!” I herd coming from Carole. I immediately stop and he ran away crying . His older brother came out of the house and I thought he was going to come after me but instead he brought his brother inside . “I thought his older brother was going to fight me” I said to Carole but he didn’t! “I’m glad he didn’t” she said while crying and holding on to me. I thought she meant that she was worried for me but a few minutes later she told me that she had never seen anyone that angry and she was scared of me. At the time I dismissed it but she broke off with me that day and I just wrote it off as she was being stupid. That was my first act of violence and many more would follow before I realised itwas happening.

Happy birthday Dad!

During our time on Gloucester street My dad’s drinking pattern didn’t change that much . He still drank until his behaviour was intolerable and embarrassing. Francine my sister had eloped with Eugene my now brother in-law and my dad was furious. Eugene went under the name Paul for some reason so that’s what we called him. He tried to go over there and force her back but she was an adult and the police refuse to intervene. Where they were living they became friends with Johnny Deluseluc! If the Name Johnny conjures up in your mind a man with an Elvis Presley haircut who loves 60`s rock and roll , you have the right picture. Johnny was a street fighter and good at it. His wife was a big set women who was the only one that would hit him and get away with it. Johnny was of course on the side of Francine and Paul on the issue of eloping. Johnny played guitar and he was related to Denis who was Francine’s former boyfriend. My dad’s birthday was coming up so my Mom decided to make him a birthday party .My older brother Rheal was living with us at the time and he didn’t like Johnny and my Dad didn’t like Eugene. My Mom was trying to bring the peace between Her intention’s were good but as usual my Mom seem to have blocked out how my dad gets when he drinks . Everyone got invited . Johnny and his wife Celine, Paul and Francine, and an old friend of my Dad Gary Paquette who often socialised with us over the years. The stage was set! As people were arriving all was going well but someone had to go to Russell County to pick up Gary. Since I had been there before I was ask to go with another friend of Paul that we knew on Lyon street to go pick them up. I cant remember his name right now so I will call him Luc ! I remember asking him if he knew how to drive because I had never seen him drive and he had just bought this car. He responded with words that I would hear again before my future car crashes. You guessed it ! On the way there we had my very first car accident . It was a bad one. Apparently I had smashed the window with my head . I remember crashing and landing on the side . Luc was passed out I had to pull him out . Then I remember everything was blurry as I was trying to flag down cars . Then I remember an ambulance taking me to a hospital and me getting stitches. While I was away the drinking went on at my Dad’s party to excess as usual . Rheal started getting into a conflict with Johnny which turned into a fight next thing you know My Dad being also drunk jumped in! Johnny being a good fighter was taking them both on . Paul got in the middle to try to break it up and so did my Mom. All hell broke loose and the party was over . I remember my Mom came to get me at the hospital but I can’t remember who brought her . So that was my Dad’s birthday party on Gloucester. If I can say something at this time is `my life wasn’t boring that’s for sure!

Victim or survivor?

The psychiatric profession will tell you that people who get picked on a lot are perpetual victims! If your constantly defending yourself , arguing with people or feeling rejected by people you would probably be classified this way. My theory is people who become psychiatric either have lived a charm life or plain just blocked out reality . If you point out the Jews and there constants persecutions through out history they would likely say “ that’s not the same!“ What makes one person more a target then the other is still unclear to me but lets continue looking to my pass.
During the years I was I was learning the hard lessons of life and good ones on Glousester street , I would also be fighting the good fight at school. I lived down town Ottawa but my Junior high and high school were on the west side of Ottawa. What I now call the Western Front My home was the Central Front. As I mention before being rejected undeservingly left scares on me . Junior high was going fairly well . I was adjusting to my new friends Jimmy , Mike and Marcel. I found math very difficult but in general I wasn’t doing bad. I had a teacher that I admired . By the kids standard he was one of the kool teachers. I loved his class I was very involve in any discussion until one day he told me the principal wanted to see me. When got the I was made to side in the waiting area for what seemed like and hour then sent back to my class with no explanation. My friend Jimmy later told me that they had a class discussion about me and that the teacher told them I would never amount to anything in life. He instructed them that for there own good they should stop hanging around me. That really hurt me ! Maybe I imagined it but I since they were different with me after that .
When I graduated to Champlain high also on the west side of Ottawa that became my Western Front. I was starting to change not only as I was going through puberty but emotionally I started to resent school. The main bully in my class was Luc Laroque . He was tuff but not so tuff that I was going to let him walk all over me. One day he wanted my seat in class and I refused. He then slap me on the head so I toad up from my desk to challenge him. I was always brave enough to stand up to people but never brave enough to throw a punch. He kick me in the balls but I absorbed the pain and made like it didn’t hurt. Just then the teacher came in so he said “ I’ll get you after school!” All day I stressed trying to think how I would fight this guy . I refuse to run ! Better I get beat up the hide . Well it turns out he never looked for me . The part that stays with me the most is when I stood up to him in class , the class was cheering for him not me . In my eyes I was the good guy so why were they cheering for him? Two other guys name Jacque Babino and his brother Maurice were also school bus bullies I had to deal with . My friend Denis had beaten Maurice in a fight but one day when I was alone on the bus without my friends Jacques tried to bully me to give up my seat . Of course I refuse as always so he told me he’d get me at the bus stop then walked by . Suddenly I felt a hard shove in my back he had dropped kick me in the back when I wasn’t looking. That really hurt but I held it in . He leaned over after and said “ I’m not going to fight you this time , but you better watch yourself!” Between the Central front dealing with my drunken Dad beating my sister and my battles on the Western Front with teacher rejection and standing up to bullies I was becoming angry inside . The more a person feels rejected the more they try to be accepted! I concluded that being a bad person makes you popular so I started stealing from the Confectionery store close by . I would hide food in my coat lining then walk out . One day they called out to me and I ran pass them . Soon everyone it seemed knew I was a thief but it didn’t make people like me . Instead they disliked me more . One day in shop class a cat came into the class and the girls were screaming like crazy. I got up , grabbed the cat and through it high in the air. I though it would land on its feet but it landed on its head. Now I was know as “the cat killer” because the cat died. Not long after that I quit school. I've always stood up for myself and yet I have found myself fighting for survival more then poeple who haven't stood up for themself.As I continue my writing I hope to find answers for this.

The good with the bad

Life is funny that way ! You have to take the good with the bad . Sort it all out in your mind and keep what you can use .My short time on Glouisester street came with some of my most influential memories ! My best guess is I lived on Glousester street from age 14 to 16 . That’s the only part I can’t be sure about my memories is the exact age I was at the time. I remember Albert the oldest of the family also a man with good integrity . He had a friend name Bob who was a drug addict and a drunk who for some reason when ever he had the chance would try to bully me or intimidate me. Like all the other bullies at that time I would look him in the eyes and never show I was scared of him. A few times Albert had to push him off of me . The first time I saw anyone get beat up was the day Albert beat up his uncle on the front seat of his truck. For some reason they really hated that uncle . Even Dom tried to beat him up years later and apparently I stopped him but I was to drunk to remember. Although I would never let anyone see it I was deeply affected by people who hated me for no reason. There was Bob, Albert’s friend but there were others. When Danny moved out a guy name Garry Martin and his wife Ainsley but we called her Angel moved in . Dom and Richard started hanging out there But I was kicked out by Garry for reasons he never reveal. I would meet Garry Martin 2 years later and he still express his hate for me . He even tried to kick me out of my friends house . I was of course older and stronger then so needless to say he now has a reason to hate me and I doubt he will ever express it again.
I got my first kiss on Glousester street . This English family moved into our house after we moved to Manotic ,I would still come and hang out for a while . I hit on there daughter and we eventually kissed . The 3 French girls who lived above Danny’s place would be in my sister Danielle’s life for many years after . My first true love Theresa happened on Lyon street . Even though I never told her it was to stay with me for years to come. I thought I had completely lost her when she fell for Andre Charon the brother of Diane but there romance didn’t last . Andre was also one of the “friends” who would sucker punch me in the face ! Danny also sucker punched me on day when we were suppose to be play fighting using our legs only. When Danny thought he was loosing he punched me unexpectedly .I would turn out that while I lived and hung out on Glousester street my “friends” would come to have been more danger to me then my enemies. The times Dom , Richard and me stole some Mustang bicycles in the winter and we would ride around wiping out in the snow is a fun memory for me . Hanging out with Dom was for the most part a good experience . Dom had a way with girls so even though I never had a girlfriend then a lot of what I did when I started dating I learned from watching Dom. I dropped out of school when I lived on Glousester street . Even though I moved to Manotic with my family I would return a few times to this place to hang out . I would come back in and out of this family’s life several times in the next 2 years . The good with the bad, those were my memories of Glousester streets. As time will move foward the bad memories is what will come to define me and not the good.

John

Not long after I met Dom I recall he went to jail for some reason. I believe it was on weekends. For a little while I hung around with his brother John . John was a few years younger then me I thought but recently I found out he was my age but very smart and manipulative. He was a good looking kid and always seem to be happy and smilling .The problem is he seem to lack the conscience when it came to people and even his family. John didn’t have any money so he stole . He stole from hanyone who would leave money unattended. With his stealing came his pathological lying. You could catch him with his hand in your pocket pulling out money and he would tell you he was putting it in because he found it on the floor. His father caught him a few time .A couple of times he took me to his places he would steal money. He would go to hotel fitness center and rob the lockers . After a few weekends with John I stop hanging with him . You see I liked that family ! They were nice to me so I didn’t want to be involve with any of what John stole. I believed until just recently that John stole from his family as well but he insisted on our last visit that he would never have stolen from him family. I decided to belive him.Truth is John was very smart ! He was the forth oldest in a family of ten I believe. There father worked long hours to keep the family afloat . They were very poor and maybe that’s why I liked them because we were also very poor . Yet when there children brought someone home they would feed them like there own. I remember Dom inherited that kindness through out his life They took me in as one of there own it seemed to me at the time. Once Dom was done his jail time we started hanging out on weekends a lot . Richard worked at a dry cleaner . Both him and Dom quit school and went into the work force. Dom worked for his Dad for a summer then he went to work in moving with his brother Albert moving furniture. John was always in trouble then and He continued on that path for many years.I lost touch with him then later our path would cross again.

What is a friend?

When I was a boy I had 3 people I would of called my friend. Paul Paquette, Daniel Richer and Guys Baroque . At that time the definition of friend was simple ! A friend was someone I played with all the time . We hug out . We were never mean to each other, we just had fun. Then I moved to the city were I my definition of a friend did not fit what I was experiencing. As I mention my friends on Glousester street were Dom . Richard, and Danny. We hung out together every weekend . In fact it was through them that I was first introduced to drinking . I still remember well the beer of choice . It was Labatt’s 50. Through them I met Mike Lloyd and Fran they were adults but let us hang out at there place to drink on the weekend. I included them as friends. My battles with bullies were also being fought on the school front so one day I skipped school and went to Mikes house. He had a friend over and they were drinking rye. Soon enough I was being dared to drink rye. First in a shot glass then came a dare to drink a coke glass full of rye. I was edged on by the usual macho lingo like “ are you a man or a mouse” so not to be outdone I drank the whole glass. Needless to say my memories of the events of that night were few and far apart . It seems I fell in a tub full of dirty diapers while going for a piss. I remember Mike leading me to the bedroom to go sleep it off but that didn’t work I decided crawl out a window through a screen and started walking home . I remember falling in the middle of Bronson street cars all around me and that’s it! The next day I woke up my face and lips all swollen. I had no idea how I got home. Your probably imagining that I got in a fight and got beat up maybe by that gang who didn’t like me. I wish I could say it was ! In fact what happen is I showed up at Danny’s place with my pants down to my knees. Funny enough you may think ! Dom tried to get me to pull up my pants but I was too drunk so they brought me to the back of the house so my dad wouldn't see me that way. So far I would say that’s what a friend would do. And I think you would agree! For some reason , maybe because I knew nothing about getting drunk I got into my head that if someone hit me I would sober up. I was apparently screaming and crying a lot also! This probably accounted for the fact that every time I asked someone to hit me Richard would punch my face! Yes , that’s right my friend punched me so many times my lip was the thickness of my index and my eyes were black. My sister eventually told my dad who carried me home to my bed. Years later when I discussed this with Dom he informed me that Richard was still bragging about that day! My question is “ what is the defenition of a friend”? Was it Mike tha adult who tricked me into over drinking or was it Richard who tried to keep me quiet by punching my face off. Maybe they were the definition of a friend . Don't worry! I will block this incedent out as usual and remain friends with them.It seems through out my life that I've been hit in the face as many times by poeple who called themself my friend as by my enemies.

The making of Paul part#2

The incident with Gordy Johnson’s gang left me upset . The 3 faces I would remember well from that incident was Gordy Johnson, Danny Minsky and of course the older guy who punched me. I never saw Gordy after that day , at lease not face to face. One day I decided to take a different route to school and coming toward me was Danny Minsky. Running into my enemies is something that would repeat its self several times in my life, even to this day. We were both walking toward each other and I had resolve that this is where I would make my stand . If he said anything to me I would punch him . As is often the case with gang members is whenthey are alone they are seldom as brave . I was walking toward him resolved to not move for him and as we were within 4 feet from each other he moved off the side walk and walked around me. I felt great! He must of recognised me because the next day he crossed to the other side of the street as soon as he saw me. They never again bothered me after that day at Danny’s place. Years later I would meet the guy who punch me at a time in my life when forgiveness was not my strong suit. The outcome I will share later.

The making of Paul part #2

The making of Paul part #1

I read once that” a man is the sum of his life experience and his ability to come to term with them”. I grew up in fear . Fear of my father drinking rage and frequent lashing out at my sister Carole. The screaming and crying as he would force feed her oat meal because she would not eat it. Often these fears were reinforced by my mom’s treats . “Wait until your Dad comes home !” she would say when she wanted to control us. Fear of my teachers who would single me out in school for reasons I haven’t quite figure out yet. Fear of bullies like the English kids who lay in waiting to pounce on us with rocks as we walked home from school .The there was the media fear! I remember to well the radio broadcast as a child sitting at my desk announcing the assassination of President Kennedy . The later Martin Luther King . Through out my life I have had this ability to block out the bad and to focus on the good in my life . For some reason I often blocked out realities ! Something I still do to this day . A good example of this was what happen one day when I lived on Gloucester street .
My Mom had put me on an allowance. I would go around the corner and spend it at a local confectionary. There was a group of guys who would always call me “Goof” as I rod my bicycle by. Being naive or just plain not being in touch with reality I would often return the comments with my own response . “Hi Goofs” I would reply . The reality was that they were seriously expressing there dislike to me and I didn’t see it . One day I was at the confectionary and they showed up . As I pass by them they started on me again calling me names .Goof being one of them . I reciprocated by calling them Goofs” too all the time giggling . The leader was Gordy Johnson and at this time they were more aggressing and trip me . Then when I was walking away they shoved me in the back. I decided that I was going to have to fight these guys. I told my friends at that time about the incident . There was Dom , Richard , Danny and Me . There was 5 of them and 4 of us and by my standard that seemed like a fair fight. Again I was naive ! A younger kid came around to my house where me and my friends were and said “ My brother wants to fight with you” . I agreed without hesitation!. The funny think is I had never had a real fight so I had no idea how I was going to pull this off but I was willing. Right there and then I heard from Dom and Richard “ that’s Gordy Johnson’s brother!“ I responded “so!“ “We can’t fight them !“ they insisted . This made me mad so I responded “ that’s ok ! Ill do it alone” So here we are sitting on Danny's deck when I spot the 5 of them coming up the street.Dom had wandered off because he was trying to call down old lady Herber who was upset at Theresa for teasing her . In Theresa's defence Old lady Herbert was allways screaming at the kids when they walk by. I guess Theresa had finalky had enough! Danny went inside but Rchard stayed across from me on the porch but he had already insisted he would not fight so I ruled him out.It was at this time that I notice another larger group of guys coming around the corner ! They were the Bay Street Gang! I would later find out that Gordy's group were like the juniors to the bay street Gang. Suddenly I had 5 guys in front of me and a street full of older then me guys cheering for a fight . I of course refused to fight at this point but suddenly 1 of the older kids came out from the crowd and punch my face . Once I felt that I moved toward him! Then a hand grabbed my shoulder . It was my dad and he walked me away from the crowd and back to our home. I remember a few hours later how embarrass I was that I had been scared of them but more important I was ashamed that my friends had chickened out and left me to my demise. I realised at that tinme that friends were not poeple I should depend on to feel safe. Don't worry I will block that out also until my next friendship betrayal!

Theresa, Theresa, How I loved Theresa!

Suddenly after my last entry I stop writing . I had reach a topic in my writing that made me stop . Why did this happen? Well the topic is Theresa! One day I saw Dom’s Sister Theresa for the first time coming in from school. I had herd her voice from the other side of the porch divider but when I finally put a face to the voice I was speechless! She was beautiful with her long hair and warring here Catholic school girl uniform. From that first day I fell madly in love with her. All my secret thoughts were about her. I would spend hours hanging out at there house waiting to get a glimpse of her. She was always on the go but she always said “hi” and that was enough to put me in the clouds until next time. She was very loud! You knew when she was around but she was also very funny. She was very outgoing it seem to me at the time. Even though years later she would tell me that that was a very shy time in her life. From that first day she was “The one” . IF you haven't figured it out yet I was very insecure. I had all these feeling flowing through me but no idea what to do about them. Today my attraction to Theresa would be define as obsession but for me it was "love". I wanted no one else . My fantasies were confine to what little I knew about dating which was kissing. I think there Mom knew it because often she would tell me if Theresa was home or not even though I always pretended I was there for Dom. There’s is nothing more fustrating for a teenager then not knowing what to say to a girl he likes. So why did I stop writing when I got to the topic of Theresa? That’s why! She was "the one". She was the ruler or the measuring stick that is used against every women I ever dated after . No women has ever been able to live up to my fantasy of Theresa! Once I became more familiar with dating and more confident in myself I had an average of 3 girlfriend a year during my teen years . The relationships never lasted . How could they ? They weren’t Theresa! To this day I feel guilty for all those women I dated .Those who's heart I must of broken! In most case however throughout my life I have chosen women who would eventually be unfaithful to me but as I ponder my life I think maybe that’s because subconsciously I was emotionally unfaithful to them . They were not Theresa and they could never be . What is ironic about my obsession with Theresa is I had elevated Theresa to a level that even Theresa her self could not possibly live up to. My fantasy Theresa had no flaws ! She was good hearted , funny, always happy and always giving . In short she was a saint! Yet my inability to realise that throughout my life would have a profound influence on all my future relationships with women and the paths I would chose in life.

Were moving again! My teen years part#4

After a year on Lyon Street we moved to Gloucester Street only 2 blocks away. This house was not as big but it had a larger yard and a garage. It was another duplex and our neighbor was a family called Barb. It was then that I met Dominique. I was trying to fix my Mom’s close line when he came over from his side of the yard and helped me. Dom and me hit it of right away it seems. They were also a big family of nine children and I learned that there were more but a couple died at birth. I seem to remember that one was hit and run at an early age. At first I didn’t hang out with them but I would go sit on the front porch every time they would hang out on there porch. Up the street from us lived 3 French sisters, Dominique, Martine and Isabelle . All three were beautiful! The girl that got my attention was Martine. She had long blonde hair with a very pale complexion, complimented by the most beautiful blue eyes. Every time I saw them pass by on the way to the corner store I would rush out and sit on my porch awaiting there return. I would ware my favorite pants with psychedelic patterns and my purple shirt .If I saw those close today I would blush with disbelief. One day I decided to make my move! Of course my move as I call it was to declare my interests in Martine by sending her flowers. Within 10 minutes Dominique the eldest sister inquired why I was sending flowers and what my intentions were. I said “no intention I’m just being nice”. This seems to satisfy her. Truth is I had no sex education and had not dated yet nor did I know what to do with a girlfriend! Essentially I was attracted to her but had no Idea what I would have done if she had returned the attention. From that point on I admired her from the distance until the summer came and she would develop an interests in Richard, Dom’s best friend at the time. That summer I started to hang out with Dom and Richard but only occasionally and usually because Dom invited me. I always felt that Richard felt threaten by my friendship with Dom. Over the summer I started hanging out more and more with Dom and Richard. It was with them that first started drinking on the weekends. Dom got a dog so I went and got one too. I called mine Sheba. His dog was so obedient and a good guard dog but mine wasn’t this frustrated me but maybe it’s because Sheba had my personality. It’s when we had these dogs that I met Mike. I mention Mike because he would later be a significant part of my past influence. We often went there to hang out and have a few drinks but Mike is a later topic. I often tagged along with Dom when he would go see his girlfriend Roma and later on Nancy . Its funny how I can remember some of there names and yet forget other names.Dom was a good friend to me and a good influence in many ways. We had alot of memories in those few years we hung out.

High School! My teen years part#3

As mention before I pass grade eight and move to yet another school to start my grade nine. Champlain High was not far from my grade eight school and we still had to bus everyday. Too get to the bus stop I would often pass a monastery where priest lived. This place occupied a whole block. In time I made friends with two other guys who were in my class. Jacque Laroque and Denis Durocher. Jacque was an interesting guy. He was very athletic and muscular before his time I would say. Denis was husky and reported to be a good fighter something I witness myself one day when he had to fight one of the school bus bully. Jacque on the other hand seems to get away without fighting probably because he looked to strong to challenge. It was during my morning bus wait with Jacque that I was yet again exposed to adult molesting children. Jacque and I would sit in the entrance of the monastery when it was to cold outside .That was innocent enough but one day this priest would come over and get Jacque and they would disappear for about half an hour. At the time I didn’t think much about it but later I herd rumors of Jacque getting gifts from this priest. It was only later in life that I put the puzzle together. Jacque had another problem that to this day puzzled me. Through out the year Jacque spoke about his older brother name Mike who was a black belt in Karate and real tuff. He was really proud of his older brother and I envied him having an older brother to protect me against bullies some thing I was now experiencing in high school. I wanted to meet him I was so impress! One day he invited me to his home to meet his brother and I was exited. I get there and I am standing outside when Denis shows up. “Hi Paul” he said what are you doing here? “Oh I came to meet Jacque’s older brother Mike who knows Karate. Since going to the movies I had become fascinated with Martial Arts. “Jacque doesn’t have an older brother” he said. “Sure he does “I said, “he’s a black belt in Karate” I finished. Just at that time a boy wandered into the driveway and Denis pointed him out and said “that’s Mike” Jacque’s brother. I was shock in disbelief so when Jacque showed up I asked him and he confirmed it! Then behaved as if nothing happen! That was my first experience in meeting a pathological liar and to this day I am very puzzle by what happened. He knew I was coming to meet his brother yet maintained his lie. Later in life I would meet one more person like Jacque and be still as confused on what thinking process they go through.

“Lets go to the movies” The Rialto /My teen years part#

If you haven’t herd the phrase “lets go to the movies “yet, you were not born in the 20th century. On one of my adventures exploring around Lyon Street I ended up on Bank Street. It wasn’t long before I came up to “The Rialto”. The Rialto was an old theater build in the 1950’s but the original owner had long passed on .The new owners that I actually met was a women .Her daughters worked at the food bar and sometime the ticket counter. The reason I bring them up is because of what comes next. The Rialto was worn down and to the locals it was branded "The Rat Hole “because it was rumored that it had once been closed down by the health board for rat infestation. From my prospective it was an awesome place! You got 3 movies for $0.75, hot dogs were $0.25 and so was a glass of coke! I would often go there on the weekend to spend some of my milk jug money! The fantasy world of a child is often disrupted by the reality world of adults! This place had a dark side! It was there that I became further aware of homosexual Pedophiles!I mention Homosexual in that phrase because according to the new age thinking "your born gay and there’s nothing you can do about it". By that reasoning since these pedophiles were attracted to young boys, it stands to reason they were gay long before they became pedophile. They would sneak up on an unsuspecting child; sit beside him and during the movie try to fondle him. The first time it happens to me I was terrified! He was an adult and very tall and big from a 13 year old’s perspective. The first few time this happen I moved seats but my seat wasn’t the only unsafe place. Every weekend the same pedophiles were there and maybe some new ones I didn’t know. I reported it to the manager but she would just tell me to move seat! At twenty five cents a pop I would definably have to go pee during intermission. This by itself was a challenge as well! Homosexuals would meet in the downstairs bathroom and have sex there. It was a very scary experience every time I went there. They would look you up and down as you walk by and the place smelled like male cum all the time .In her defense the owner would sometime come down and kick some out of the bathroom but she never kicked them out of the theater. That is sad! How many children have been molested because of there reluctance to protect them? I think I am the perfect example of a child’s ability to block out the bad and adjust to my environment because despite of the discusting memories associated with the Rialto it’s the good memories I cherish! It was there that I became a fan of Clint Eastwood, Lee van Clift, or Kung fu idols like Bruce Lee! Who can forget Vincent price who is still one of my favorite? The movies were a child like me’s dream. To this day, I love movies and it’s still my favorite way to escape when I am having a bad day.

Life on Lyon street/ my teen years part#1

When we moved to the city on Lyon Street I brought with me my innocence. Even though my childhood was not without trauma it did not prepare me for life in the city. My father continued his drinking to excess on the weekends and I returned to wandering away from home. We lived in what would be called today a duplex. The owners had the duplex next door to us. The next house over was a rooming house filled with drunks and drug addicts. Often late at night you could see drunks fighting in front of that place. I actually remember the landlords name it was Bob Saunders and if you can believe it one of the never sober tenant Ivan. If I climbed on the roof through the bedroom window I would often find needles because our roofs were joined by a walk board. My sister’s first boyfriend lived there but he wasn’t an addict. His name was Denis Cloutier and my sister was attracted to him because he looked like young Elvis Presley. He milked that right to the end. He would often come over play his guitar and sing Presley songs but my dad didn’t like him. Actually my Dad didn’t like Eugene (aka Paul Dubreuil) the guy Francine dumped Denis for .My sister was a virgin and Denis wasn’t getting pass first base with her which drove him crazy .Night time in the city has always seen strange to me . It always seemed to me then and right up to today that people behave differently at night .I rarely went out at night pass nine pm. When I wasn’t in school I would explore my nieborhood and go pick bottles. It was through this bottle picking hobby of mine that I was introduce to adults who’s behavior was very bizarre to me. First I met Bob who invited me into the building he managed to donate bottles to me he had in his basement. Bob was a probation officer who in his spare time had parties in his basement with many of his delinquent offenders. He once told me they would have orgies at these parties. I barely knew what that was but I knew enough to know orgies without girls was weird. Bob was a homosexual or queer was the term I later learned. Bob befriended me for motives not the same as my own. He had access to a building swimming pool he would let me use. Although he openly told me he liked men which were something very strange to me he never tried anything on me. He was the one who help me find my first bicycle I bought for $20.00. Apparently Bob was bisexual because he often talked about his girlfriend. During my bottle picking I had a few other encounters with homosexuals some would be define pedophiles today. I stop picking bottles after a while because of the strange people I was meeting and because I discovered in my exploration a dairy factory who discarded the plastic jugs once a week. I would sneak over and jump in the bin to salvage from this gold mine. The dairy would crush the plastic bottles but I would reinflate them with hot water and cash them in at the corner store for Oh Henries chocolate bars, liquorish, and other junk foods. You would think my father would be proud of me for making money and even paying for my first bike but instead he would cal me selfish for not sharing with my sisters my chocolate bars.When I was young he would often tell me i'm crazy but now I had graduated to being "heartless" and "selfish"

My new school / teen years

To get to my new school I had to walk about half a mile to the pickup spot. MY first year in grade 7 went well. I made friends with Jimmy law, Marcel Farley, and Mike. They accepted me quickly and we became good friends. Marcel was Jimmy’s friend before me and I often felt he resented having to share his friend .I remember one time Jimmy and me teamed up on teasing Marcel and he was very mad . I felt bad I had offended him and never did that again. Jimmy came from a good background and both he and Marcel exelled in school. You could say they were nerds but I like them. I remember going to his house one and he showed me this kayak he was making . His parents seem so nice ! I was still a very inocent young farm boy and all I wanted was to have friends to have fun with . I'll admit I did lie in my story telling once in a while but that was just to be exepted .I always seem to hit it of with children who were well off. Grade 7, I was popular and things went without to much incidence. It was about then that I came into my puberty and started growing hair in places where there wasn’t any. I had no sex education and I thought I was the only one who was experiencing this so I was always ashamed to shower after gym class. I had this one male teacher that was the cool teacher so to speak with the kids. I thought he liked me until one day he sent me to the principle to talk about me to the class. That’s when Jimmy and Marcel were told that they shouldn’t hang around with me and that I was a bad influence. That really hurt me! I din't understand why he would do that . What could I possibly have done to deserve that ?I think that’s when I really started to feel there was something wrong with me. As in my childhood when I felt alone in the world I reverted to my fantasy world of adventures. I was starting to skip school to wander along the river adventuring.I would go on an island half way between this long bridge that led to Quebec.I would look for duck eggs or rabit holes. My grades fell but for some reason I passed and was graduated to grade 8. I never saw Jimmy once I went to high school .I often wonder how his life turned out . I imagine he did well ! Years later though I ran into Mike and he was strung out on drugs . He came from a poor family like me. By that time I had also experimented with drugs . I will talk about that later.

Were moving to the city

After about 13 years on the farm it was decided that it was time to move to the city .That would be the official story! UN officially we had been evicted from our farm. First there was the health service who tested our well water and despite there expectation found our water to be the best in the county. Then came the city inspectors who mandated my parents to get rid of all the cars my dad’s friends had dump on our land or they would charge my Dad with operating a salvage yard without a license .My dad found a buyer but we had to burn them before he would take them. It seems they were worth more that way. With the car burning came a 100 acre field fire which brought the fire department. I remember coming home that day seeing the fields were black as coal! Not long after social service came calling once again. It wasn’t there first time but this time they came to inspect our home or to be more specific our living environment. As described earlier our house had no bathroom just and out house , there were rats in the basement, we only had a wood and charcoal heat , no running hot water and an old barn now fully stripped to the foundation and full of years of garbage. My parents never told us but I think that was “case close” for social service. Not long after it was announced that we were moving .I for one was ecstatic that we were moving .It was a new adventure and I liked adventures! I remember the ride to our new home I felt so impatient! We arrived at a house that was higher then our farm house. I remember me and Carole running up the stairs to one level and finding a stair that led to another level where there were two bedrooms, one was larger then the other and my sisters Francine and Danielle got that one. I got the one next to it with a window that would lead onto the roof of the first bedroom level. I often climbed out on that roof for an adventure. There were 3 bedrooms on the first bedroom level. One my parents took, the other was for Carole and Jocelyn and the next for Alain. Boys got there own room for obvious reasons.The bonus was a bathroom with flushing toilets and a large tub with water taps on it! Down stairs was a living room as you walked into the front door to the left which led to a dinning room? As you pass through the dinning room and through a two way door led to a kitchen which led to a small back yard. We even had a basement with an old furnace and no rats! After we were al moved in I spend hours exploring my new neiborhood. Marking out certain buildings as landmarks to find my way back home.

The farm next to ours

The farm next door to our farm comes with many memories. Some good and some not so good. Our farms were separated by a long road that if you followed it would lead to a place where people would dump there trash .I often went up that road because at certain part of the year I would pick prunes. I don’t know why there was a prune tree there but at the end of the road there was also a sweet crab apple tree that I would visit in the fall .In the winter we used to take our toboggan and walk al the way to there north field where a hill was. We would spend hours sliding down then walking back up to do it again .We also skated on a creak at the bottom .At one point my cousins lived in that farm next door . They would come over and visit once in a while but they didn’t stay there long. Not long after a family we didn’t know moved in. Well we didn’t know them but I was left of a memory of that time that is with me until this day .What happen is my brother Rehal came home that day with a story of having found $20.00 in the re field and the father took it . That night after a day of drinking and a despite everyone trying to stop him decided he should go collect this $20.00. Not long after he left my uncle who had been called by my Mom went and got him. I remember him sitting in our kitchen bleeding from his nose and the thought that crossed my mind was that he wasn’t as invincible as a child might want to believe his Dad is. Another vivid memory is some time after the house had been abandoned. My sister Carole and I went exploring inside the house. This was during the FLQ crisis. The house was empty and we could hear your echo as we walked. I also heard a radio or voice coming from up stairs. I creped up the stairs slowly leaving Carole behind. I came to a room with a radio on and a chair set at a table. On that table was a riffle and this scared me so much we ran all the way home. I think we told our Mom but she just told us to stay away from there. Some time after the house was torn down and it became the new dumping ground for people’s garbage. Carole and I would rummage through the garbage looking for discarded goods. That’s where I first found pictures of nude women. I think it was a playboy. So many memories! Some bad but a lot of good days. It seems our best days were when we were away from home.

My sister Danielle

Danielle was kind of the middle child in our family. I have few memories of Danielle in our childhood. I remember she was always tomboyish. We used to tease her until she got mad and wrestled us. She was stronger then us and 2 years older then me. There was a neighbor who took a liking to her and asks my parents if she could come over and visit on weekends. Today you would never even consider this but he was married and had one daughter of his own so I guess my parents didn`t mind. I remember he once came to pick her up on his Harley and she would come back on Sunday night. He used to take pictures of her and dress her like Shirley Temple. I envied her she often came home with gifts. One day I remember clearly is a weekend that Danielle didn`t go with him to Toronto along with his family. That weekend he drove under a truck trailer and was decapitated in the accident. His wife and girl also died in the accident. As I got older and learn more about life I realize that there were things going on that time that went unnoticed. My oldest brother told me that he caught him molesting Danielle one time but when he told Mom and Dad they didn`t believe him. You hear these days when speaking to a gay person things like ``I always new I was gay ‘or Ì was born this way`. In Danielle’s case you have wonder was she born a lesbian or did some of her childhood trauma direct there. For years we suspected she was a lesbian but only ten years ago did she make it official. She did have a relationship with a man years before and got pregnant but that didn`t work out. She did have a daughter from this relationship called Natasha. Although I didn`t always agree with how Danielle raised Natasha She grew up to be a very nice women and a good mother I am told. Natasha married a man in the American military and had had a daughter of there own name Keniesha. Over the years Danielle and I were never the closes and we`ve had a few falling out. It is regrettable what happens to families who come from dysfunctional homes. Everyone deals with the pain in the only way they know and sometime that means distancing them self from anything that reminds them of it. All I know is that in a recent visit to Ottawa I came to see how so full of hate she is for Me and all men it seems.

My sister Carole Part#2

Once we moved into the city down town Carole’s life didn’t improve. Early on she was assaulted by girls in a street gang .She started skipping school and her relationship with Dad only got worst. One time she stayed out all night and came home with a story of abduction that my Dad didn’t care to hear. No sooner was she in the house that my Dad started hitting her. Carole would plead him to stop but that just made him hit longer. Later on social service got involve and Carole was removed from our home. My parent had to go to court but they denied every accusation and Carole was put in a reform school for girls in Gult Ontario. There she attempted to commit suicide just a month before I arrive to visit her. She told me at that time that the girl inmates were being abused by guards regularly. Some time after she was put in a foster home where her foster dad sexually assaulted he. I had a chance to visit her there in Toronto . I will talk about that more later. Soon she was 16 and ran away from there where she was transient from place to place like Vancouver and Winnipeg .She told me stories of her life on the streets and more of her tragic incidence like gang raped. Her boyfriend beat her so bad she had a lot of her teeth broken and removed. Eventually she met a good man and settled down and had a family. She had one son name Collin and a daughter name kailey. Life has improved to some extent. WE had a falling out around Christmas when I was emotionally drained from going through a divorce and I haven’t made contact with her since. I love my sister Carole but by this time in my life I had also become a product of my own past that I will talk about more as I go on.

My sister Carole Part#1

As I mention earlier Carole and I are 1 year apart. I remember that as a child Carole was always instigating something.
In a family of eight parental attention is hard to even out. Add to this alcohol addiction and a child can quickly get lost in the flock. Carole is a good example of a child who will accept negative attention rather then none. I have some found memories of Carole and I going on exploring adventures together, picking apples, picking bottles and many others. Her need for attention made her very competitive with everyone else. She would always be the one who would tattle one the others. My sisters and I didn’t help this scenario by reacting with names calling like “devil”. After my brother was remanded to a reform school for constantly running away and getting in trouble I guess the abuse from my Dad got directed at Carole. If we were both in trouble for the same thing Carole would get the brunt of the punishment. Carole idolized my sister Francine but Francine was closer to me. I have always been able to divine my love equally with people I cared for so even t. Carole often made me mad by doing things like jumping on my back when I was turn and put chock holds on me we were very forgiving to each other and often played together. She was often the one to slack off when we had chores to do and lying came easy for her which made us mad. I believe all this was driven by a need for love and attention. If there’s such a thing as bad Karma I would point to Carole. When we were babies I have been told that social service took some of us away from our parents and were put in foster homes. I was told that Carole was one of the children taken and as bad luck would have it the foster parent would beat her. She was only one year old. I say one year old because I don’t have any memories before two years old and she was one year younger then me. I’m guessing that her being that close after me that she was “an accident”. She was the bravest when it came to challenge parental rules and sometime she paid a high price. For example one day she was climbing up on the cupboard and fell down straddling the bottom cupboard door. I can only imagine how painful that was. My Dad had no patience for her I have memories of him screaming at her to eat her oatmeal. She hated oat meal and refused to eat it. My Dad would force feed her to the point she would be chocking .One time he was beating her after school and when my Mom came in he was trying to justify his beating blaming Carole for everything. I was doing my home work at the time and he tried to get me to confirm his story. I was scared of my father so I would muffle a yes that he could barely hear so he slapped me so hard I broke my pencil. That was a mistake my Mom jumped in to protect me as she always did and I ran to my room crying.

Lets go pick some bottles! The lost of inocence?

As a child you quickly realize that adults are in charge! You adapt and you do what you’re told even if it seems wrong. One of the things me and my sisters did when we were bored was go pick bottles. We would walk in ditches along the side of the road picking discarded bottles. Our Mom would later exchange and give us the money. I was usually the one to initiate this due mostly to my need to be away from home. Often Carole my sister would come .Me and Carole were one year apart so we did a lot together .In a perfect world which is what every kid wants’ to believe he lives in ,spicking bottles should be somewhat uneventful. In the real world however there are always dangers. Carole and I would walk 2 mile to the turn off road at Wakley road and she would work one side and me the other. One time within the first ten minutes of our bottle picking Carole stepped on something sharp and cut her foot. It was bleeding very badly so I helped her walk back home therefore ending our bottle picking that day. I was disappointed for that day but I reason that it could have been me and that it’s a danger that can happen again so I was careful the rest of the times I went out. Lesson learned! Some time in the future we again went for a bottle picking adventure. This time we brought Jocelyne one of my other sister. All was going well I thought but the girls got tired early and separated as they headed back home .I should mention that me and Carole were very competitive on who would find the most bottles. When I got home they weren’t there! My Mom asked me where they were and I answered I didn’t know. Then we got a phone call from someone who lived on Walkley road .My parents and I drove there as I new which house they were at. What had happen is a man pulled up to them in a car and asked them what they were doing. When they answered “were picking bottles” he offered to take them where there were a lot of bottles. They then got into the car with him and no sooner were they driving away he pulled his pants down and proceeded to grab my sisters Cariole’s hand and force her to touch him . I guess they were screaming and crying so loud that he let them off at that house we found them. When they told me the story I was scared and for a while I watched every truck that would go by as I walk home from school after that day. For a while after that we were forbidden to go pick bottles. This incident is still vivid in my sister’s memory to this day. As for me it was the day that even though I realized adults are not only wrong some time ,but some adults are also dangerous!