Merry Christmas children!

As I sit here in the years 2010 on Christmas eve all alone as is often the case through out my life I come to a realisation. There’s nothing I can say about Christmas that probably hasn’t been said before unless I talk about how it applied to me or affected me. My earliest memory of Christmas were of me and my sisters looking for our presents in the shed attic where they had been hidden in the pass apparently. Truth is I don’t think my parents bought us any presents often as were very poor. Some years we had a tree I think but I can’t even confirm that with my memory. I have a vague memory of us going as a family to the nieborhood welfare store to pick out some used gift for each one of us one year . When you hear that Christmas song “You better watch out! You better not cry …” as a child an you don’t get any gifts you automatically assume that maybe your were to bad to get toys from Santa. I recall on year we didn’t find anything in the attic hidden. I remember feeling sad and scared we weren’t going to get anything and I was going to have to lie to my friends in school about my gifts. The one thing that was sure about Christmas was that there was going to be some drinking going on with the adults. My Mom tried to make Christmas special for us staying up late wrapping the charity donated gifts but I knew and I think My older sisters knew where the gifts came from and it wasn’t from Santa. My Mom like to bake and cook for Christmas that was always a fun part of Christmas decorating the cookies . I especially remember her Tortieres which is a form of ground meat pie.Although I have to admit my ex wife exeeded all expectation when it came to making Tortiere . To this day I still crave Gisele's Tortiere and pinking pie! When your poor you often notice through out the year when there’s a shortage of food but I seldom have any memories of no food at Christmas so festive eating became the thing to look forward to every Christmas . Some years my parents would have a Christmas gathering with a few friends with music and dancing. Those were fun until my Dad over drank and made an Ass of himself again. It wasn’t long before I made the connection between alcohol and Christmas. I think the final nail on the coffin of My Christmas fantasy was when Santa came to our house drunker then a skunk passing out one gift to each one of us. Mine was a bull with a rocking head that you sit on your car dash. That was the only gift we got that year! Over the years I had few expectations about what I was getting for Christmas so I focused on “the giving part of Christmas”. Not that I had much to give but I would try to make something up . When I think back now I see that it’s no wonder I lied so much as a kid ! I had to lie to make my life even close to the life of my friends . As I grew older I became familiar with the practice of children bringing used toys to school to donate to the poor kids who had none . I also became aware that I was one of those kids getting the used toys so when I looked at the toys gathered in the box I now had some fun fantasising which toy I was getting for Christmas .Of course that was never a guaranty! As child I adapted ! I may not have had a lot of toys growing up but I had an awesome imagination that kept me enjoying life throughout the years. ! Our jails are full of children who didn’t adapt!

Alter egos and fantasies

I couldn't belive I stood up to Billy!Having an alter ego for me started long before I knew what an alter ego was. I recall as a boy while visiting friend Paul Paquette where I first encountered Marvel comic Super Heroes. I was instantly hooked! The very idea of having super powers one day and having a regular identity the next was something I just connected with. Oddly enough it wasn’t Superman who was my first role model . It was actually Birdman. All I remember is he was super strong and he got his power from the sun . Then there was Space Ghost who also got his power from the sun. I remember when my friends and I played fighting game I was just Paul and they would quickly over power me but soon I would stared at the sun and transform into Birdman! They would run and scatter as I now chased them using my super strength . Soon after Superman was my favorite. He had all the powers needed to do the job plus he had the secret identaty . Of course I never understood why poeple couldn't tell it was him under those glasses. Later on I began watching a Japanese show called Ultraman. I was older then but still in the fantasizing stage, since I wasn't dating yet. The story was a teenager who discovered a capsule the size of an aluminium cigar holder and when there was trouble , he would hold it in the air and say “Ultraman” . At this point he would change into this Giant guy in a tight space suit and fight giant monsters like Godzilla.Coincidently Ultraman's power source was the sun as well. I’m not sure what is the significance this But I know once I started liking girls my fantasies changed a bit. Things were simple back then in my childhood days. I was the powerless boy who would transform into a super hero when ever danger was near by.Of course it was all imaginary! Super heroes were the subjects of many of my childhood fantasies. Some fantasieslasted into my teen years. Then one day I remember I was mad at someone . I don’t remember who or why but I remember wishing I had real super powers so I could hurt that person. I remember becoming aware of this terrible thoughts of revenge inside me. Up until then I used to pray for super powers so I could change the world ,but now I came to a conclusion that I was a bad person and I should never have super powers. This thought proved to be true often in my life. As when I realised I had a special gift I would be self serving with it. So here I was now hanging around Pincrest project. My latest encounter with Billy left me feeling very powerful. In the past I had stood up to my enemies but this was different ! I actually attacked a bully and it felts great! From that moment on I became more aggressive in my response when challenged by a bully and they would usually back down quickly. It was as if someone had told everyone that I had beat Billy. I was the cool guy in that project that summer ! Even Mich Naux back down when I stood up to him and he was a well known street fighter. My confidence was brought back to normal one day however. John had found a walky-talky radio I don’t know where and I ended up with it . A voice over the radio was offering a reward for it so I contacted them and we arranged to meet. They payed me $100 for it in the form of a check and I gave them the radio. Everything seemed good until I found out the check bounced. So I went to General Security’s office to get my money . I was confident that once they saw me they would change there mind and pay me. As I was talking to the receptionist who had called them after I got there two large detective looking guys came in and immediately started punching me . I fell to the ground and they began kicking me in the face and the ribs then threw me into a closet. I have to say I was scared ! A few minutes later they pulled me out and sat me on a chair and cuff my hands behind me. They wanted to know where I got the radio . I wasn’t going to tell them that so they threaten to “take me for a car ride and drag my face on the pavement while we were moving”. I still didn’t talk so the tall guy who must have been six feet four inches put a gun to my head and treaten to kill me. They played what I now know as “good cop bad cop” routine but I didn’t talk. Finally the one who seemed to be in charge un cuffed me and led me outside . His last words were “we know where you live and if anything happens to our cars or radio they would find me and kill me”. Oh yes I forgot to mention that when they refused to pay for that bad check I treaten to damage there security cars. I was pretty shaken when I left there and the address they had was my sisters so revenge was not an option . My lesson on that day was bluffing is only good if you can back it up. I went there as Mike Young but my secret identity was blown as well. In the futur I would become better at kepping myself safe .Odly enough as my persoanlity changed ,I was unaware on how far from Paul's personality I was moving away from. In fact I actualy thought I was still the good guy fighting the bad.

When the past meets the present?

Through out my life it seems if there was someone I didn’t want to meet again that person would cross my path. A good example of this was Billy ! When I first started buying drugs I would usually go through Rick Boris but on day I went on Spark St. Mall looking for hash. A couple of guys approached me and asked me to follow them to a parkade . One guy was tall maybe 5 years older then me with long black hair and a beard . The other had long blond hair both looked like your classic Hippies. The blond guy ask me to give him the money and wait for him because his dealer doesn’t trust anyone. That seem plausible but I was still reluctant when he added “ my friend will stay here with you” That sounded safe so I handed him $20 and off he went . After waiting about twenty minutes he did not return and at this point his friend said : I don’t think he’s coming back . I replied “ I thought he was your friend?” “No “ he said “ I gave him money to get me hash too” ! I decided to go looking for him and parted ways with the guy who was with me . About 30 minutes later as I was walking down Spark St. I see both the blond hair guy and the dark haired guy sitting on the edge of the fountain. As I got closer I said” where’s my money ?” The blond guy boldly said “ You just got ripped you goof! Don’t” you get it?” This made me mad so I repeated “give me my money! Or else…. “Or else what? He said moving toward me with his friend beside him . I backed off and walked away and as I was walking I heard him say “ let that be a lesson to you , don’t trust anyone! “ I guess he’s right “ I thought to myself as I walked away in shame. A year later I’m hanging out at the Pincrest project where I would sometime stay at Dom’s place . I couldn’t impose on them all the time so as luck would have one day when I was walking back from Bayshore I found and old shed left behind on a torn down property. I found a mattress and some candles , and blankets! I made the shack quite cosy! The shack was surrounded by a dense bushy area so that’s where I would go to sleep. Sometime people I met in Pincrest would come over and smoke joints with me . One day this older teenager and his girlfriend came checking out my shack . The guy offered to smoke some hash with me . I immediately recognised him as the guy who robbed me on Spark St. I now knew his name because Dom had gotten beat up by him a couple of week before at a party and the discription matched this guy . It seems that when Dom wasn’t looking Billy kicked Dom in the face with no warning whats so ever. That evening Dom, Albert and even Richard Beatty were calling them out while standing outside there house. The police came and soon everyone was dispersed. I knew about Billy . His familly lived just half a block from my parents new place on the east side of Ottawa . He was a punk and spent many years in jail before and long after. I guess just knowing he spent time locked up should have been enough to satisfy my need for revenge but he also had sucker kicked my best friend Dom in the face . Here he was sitting on my bed with his girlfriend with him and me standing with my back to him heating my hot knives with a torch I found in one of my break in. My heart was pounding 100 miles per hour because I was about to do something I had never done in my life !Take revenge! “You don’t remember me do you? I said holding a chunk of hash between my two red hot knives as he was taking a toke of the burning hash. “No” he answered as he exhaled the smoke from his lungs . That’s when I dropped the knives on his chess and started punching him in the face with his girlfriend screaming and trying to hold me back . He managed to get by me and out the door his girlfriend behind him . I grabbed my bat that I kept for safety and followed them. “What’s your fucking problem!” he screamed as he was backing away from me moving forward. “You fuck in ripped me off for hash on Spark St. a year ago” I screamed while running toward him with my bat raised high. This guy was hard core ! Even with me holding a bat he was cursing at me and threatening to come back with a gun as his girlfriend was pulling him away toward the project. My heart was racing so fast I thought I was going to have a heart attack. As I was calming down I realise how stupid that was and began imagining him coming back with some friends to kill me. Rather then running like any intelligent person would when dealing with a nut case like that I sat down and smoked a joint because Mike Young doesn't run. I don’t know if he called the Police but they shoved up and evicted me from my shack about an hour later . The Police told me his name and who he was. I already knew his name but thats when I learned how dangerous he was. They said they picked him up on an outstanding warrant . That was a relief! I guess that’s the other side of the coin ! What I mean by that is through out my life I always seem to meet up with my enemies or people I never want to see again but the other side of the coin is things always happen to people who have done me wrong . The severity of what happens to them seems to correlate to how dangerous or hurtful they were to me. To this day I see this happening. When I was spiritual I used to attribute it to a force protecting me. Now that I don’t believe in spiritual things I don’t have an answer to why these things happen.

Mike Goes to Bayshore!

I’m not sure why I went to Bayshore Shopping center. Dom and his family had moved to Pine Crest project in the west end of Ottawa so I started hanging out there one Summer. Pine Crest was south of Bayshore and to the north was what we called Richie Project. Don’t let the name deceive you Richie project was a welfare housing projectand a tuff one. So I hung around Pine Crest project another low income housing . The was often a project rivalry between Richie and Pine Crest. I never got involve in it I was busy hanging out with Dom and awaiting any opportunity to get a glance at Theresa. Dom was working with his dad for a while and so did Theresa I believe. One day I headed out there but before I did I went to buy some mescaline . The guy didn’t have any but he had Angel dust. He warn me not to take the whole cape . “ Just put a little at a time on your cigarette” he said “but don’t take the whole capsule “! Well teenager being what I was I took the whole capsule and got on the bus at St. Laurent shopping center heading for the west end. My trip required me to transfer at Carling wood shopping mall . That’s when the drug kicked in and I started massive elusination ! I remember walking through Sear unable to differentiate a manikin from the real sales girl . At one point I was looking at a manikin and it turned and asked me if it could help me. Of course it wasn’t a manikin but it totally freaked me so I left the store and got on the Bayshore bus . I got off the bus and walked toward the wooded area where I thought I would feel safer .As I walked I felt like a giant robot when I walked and I was sure everyone could tell I was high.I discovered in the woods an old abandoned house where I decided to hold out for a while. These girls showed up I’m guessing on a exploring trip or just to hide and smoke pot. When they saw me they ask who I was and that’s when I said “ I’m Mike Young”. Of course with the name came my suspicious behaviour which was actually because I was higher then I could control. I say “control” because being in control had become one of my personality trait and not being in control scared me. That’s when I met Karen and her friend . Karen was only 14 but completely develop where as Lorraine Bryant was 16 . I started dating Karen for a while . Her parents went on trips a lot and she had the house to her self . On night after one of her parties I had the privilege of walking each of her friends home one by one . This is where I pulled a Fonzy and stole a kiss from 3 women in one night. Laurain was my best kiss and I became very attracted to her so I broke up with Karen to date Lorraine.Lorraine smoked pot and so did I but Karen did not. I remember spending a whole night on one of the storage locker on a lawn chair we found , fondling and kissing her. I really liked her .Once we all went to Britannia beach at night and we crossed though someone’s yard . A couple of guys came out and one grabbed me by the throat . Britannia beach was Richie project’s turf so I was in real trouble. Here I was with three girls and surrounded by two guys one holding me by the throat. Showing how scared I was not an option! I was Mike Young and the girls never saw anyone stand up to me. I grabbed his left hand that was on my throat with my left hand and did a cross over wrist lock on him which put him off balance . His friend was trying to help him but I would walk around my choking guy still hanging on to his wrist. The girls had run of by now so I had to find a way to leave too. I saw a fence stick on the ground so I pushed the guy I was holding on the other guy and grabbed the stick. They would try to move on me but I would make threatening gestures with the stick and they backed off . I kept repeating that we were just crossing through to go to the beach and I didn’t want to fight them. Finally they stop charging and told me “fuck off or we will kill you!” In those days gangs didn’t kill each other like today . They likely meant they would kick the shit out of me. I met up with the girls waiting and crying up the road and we never went back to that beach. Things were going well for me I thought.I was seemingly dating three girls and they didn't seem to mind. I didn't brag to any of them about what I was doing with the other so maybe they didn't know .Lorrain was the one I cared the most about however! One day Lorraine cancelled a date with me and I later found out she went out with an older boy who was her neighbour . Under Mike’s code I could not date a women who would lie to me so I broke up with her . That was the first time a women had been unfaithful to me and lied to me. I was shock! The messenger of this grim news was Karen not surprisingly . From there I dated Jamie the third girl I kissed . I was definitely a player before I even knew what that was . Even though I broke up with Lorraine I was still sneaking around with her at her babysitting jobs and we would kiss and fondel all night. In fact I spend time with all of them on there babysitting jobs. I even dated Karen’s older sister once but she was intimidating because she was into sex and I didn’t know enough about it yet. We hung out at the mall alot after smoking pot .By the end of the summer all three girls finally wised up and banded together against me. It was time for me to go .That was a fun part of that summer and my summer was just begining!It was during this time that I made a drug conection with someone in Richie project that would show up later in my life. I was sleeping over at Dom’s house alot ,so I started to spend more time in Pine Crest project.

Mike' codes

In order to exist as Mike Young I had to believe in the person I was creating .If I just called myself Mike Young and yet remain the same person sooner or latter I would trip in my lies and I would be exposed.It was importante that those who knew Paul did not know me as Mike. Getting caught in a lie is worst then death to me. The battle between good and bad was being fought inside me daily . I was inherently a good person ! After all my child hood role model was Jesus ! Even though Mike was created by my need for an alter ego to live and do the things Paul was to shy to do, He could not be evil! If I didn't like Mike I could never be him convincingly. As Mike I had to have a code of conduct and rules. Television and movies were my teacher and I was the student. For example when I started stealing I imagine myself to be Alexander Mundy from the show “It takes a Thief”. He was what I call a classy thief who took pride in his skill and plan all his jobs. He was a master at what he did and never carried a gun . He was like Robin hood and stole from the rich not the poor. I vowed that I would be that kind of thief !I was still very inexperience with women so I bought a book called “the sensuous man” and if you can believe it learn how to kiss and touch a women to make her melt. Two other of my role model from television was Kwy Chang King from Kung fu and of course Bruce Lee . From them I learned that you only should fight when you have to and never be a bully. Last but not least “The Fonz” from happy days. He would be my role model for picking up women . I wanted to be as popular with women as he was. At least in the beginning he always had lots of girlfriends . Later in the series they made him monogamous and I think that’s when I lost interests. As Mike those are the values that would define me and when I broke my codes of conduct I actually would feel ashamed . Eventually since my Dad wasn’t a great role model for me I found my own. Because my first role model was Jesus, my role Models as a teenager had to have some good in them it seems. This would get me through some of my future experience as well.

Mike Young

Why I called myself Mike Young ? I was going to bars from the time I left home and sometime I would get checked for ID. One day I found a wallet with no money but a birth certificate for Michel Gordon Young. Age 23 . I was high on acid that day so I pocketed the wallet and went walking down Bank street. I don’t know what it was about being high but for some reason I always met people. That day or night as it was I met these two girls I don’t know where they came from but they eventually asked me my name . I don’t know why but I said I was Mike Young and I was 23. I showed them my ID to prove it . Being on acid and elusinating periodically I started lying when they asked questions. I told them I was living in the Crown Plaza hotel so they ask to tag along. This was like my diamond mine story all over again . I don’t know what I was thinking ! Maybe I had hope they would wander off but instead they walk with me toward the Crown Plaza to “my place”. To get a clear picture here I was dress in what we called at that time elephant pants with high platform boots and a jean jacket button half way with no shirt. If you’ve ever been to the Crown Plaza hotel its like the Sheraton hotel . So I wasn’t quite dress for the occasion but I elected to continue with this bluff. By now you figured out I didn’t even live there but here I was in the elevator with two girls heading for my room. The elevator ride seem to last an hour that was the effect of the drug. Finally the 10 floor where I said I had a room . We got off and walk towards nowhere really until I picked a room then fished into my pocket for the key. “Fuck” I said “I lost my key”. I don’t know what I thought I was going to get away with but I said lets go down to the front desk and get a new one. As they walked into the elevator I stepped backwards and the doors closed behind them. “Finally “I thought I was ride of them. Another elevator door open and I got in and as bad luck would have it seem to stop on every floor taking on more people each time. Again it seem to take an hour to get to the main floor . Here I was in my shirtless jean jacket surrounded by people in suits and evening dresses. I finally got to the main floor and left that building. I walked all the way to Overbrook that night where my parents now lived . I think I actually saw the devil that night that’s how bad I was elusinating. You probably think this would teach me a lesson to not do drugs anymore and stop lying! The truth was it was a rush! I wanted to do it again and since I still had the ID of Mike Young I decided Mike young was in for a lot of fun!

The creation of Mike Young

My life was going to be great I thought as I went to work everyday washing dishes! Things were going ok I guess then I met Rick ! Rick worked as a cook for Kentucky Fried Chicken. He was tall and lean and pretty strong . Up until then I had a life plan as nieve as it was. Then one weekend Rick invited me to join him and some friends to go have a drink. Well not long after out came the pot ( Marijuana) and with it came the dare to try it. Peer pressure being what it is I joined in . I don’t think I got much from it that time Over a short time out came the hash to try. Now that I got high on and it quickly became my drug of choice. Rick had a best friend name Garry . Soon after we met Garry got himself a girlfriend so he didn’t come out as much anymore so Rick and I hung out over the weekend a lot. Rick had some home issues like his Dad committing suicide when he was 12 . Rick didn’t talk about it much but it affected his personality. . Suddenly I was experimenting with drugs like Mescaline, Acid, (led) and going out to bars in Ottawa and later crossing over to Hull . The only girls we ever picked up together were two blonds we later called the “For days ladies”. The reason being that if they didn’t get our jokes they would say “for days!”. We didn’t get it but that name stuck to them from then on. Rick was tuff looking and I never saw anyone mess with him . I once watched him take a guy down with two punches who was at lease 300lb and 6 feet 3. I think even Rick was surprised ! We hung out for a year on and off . Our path would often cross over the years and every time we would end up stone and drinking in Hull. Rick had a dark side when he drank . One day he beat up a guy for just saying “hi”. Another time he beat up a guy when we were crossing the street coming from a bar. That one landed us both in jail . I will talk about that later. We would hang out for a while then I would go my own way . Rick was my longest friendship besides Murray Scholfield. As I started taking drugs more often my perspective on life began to change .I also became less sensitive to and more angry . Maybe it was because of the drugs or maybe it was just that the drugs allowed my dark side to surface. I started leading a double life . There was the Paul that everyone close to me knew and there Mike Young the cool tuff guy . As I did more drugs Mike became the dominant personality . I would go of and meet girls under the name of Mike and then disappear back to my life as Paul for a while never to be seen by my new associates or girlfriends. Truth is as Mike Young I was unbeatable . No one mess with me and I sometime took on the identity of David Macavoy . I had girlfriends in the east end, in the west end and even some in Toronto. As Mike Young I didn’t care about anyone but myself . Then as soon as it started I would go back to being nice Paul for a little while . It was as if I was taking a holiday from being Mike . I would go live with my parents or my sister Francine then just a suddenly as I became Paul I would take off on another Mike Young adventure. Maybe it was the drugs or maybe it was just plain the adrenaline rush! All I know is from the moment I started doing drugs my life direction change.

My first job!

No mater how old I get I always get exited about starting a new job .The night before I usually can’t sleep and my first day I am tired as hell! Life in Manotic was remenistic of when I was a kid on the farm. My Dad’s drinking hadn’t changed much or his behaviour when he drank. My parents actually went back to having a few chicken for eggs and a garden. I think I was 15 now and I had made my decision it was time for me to “run away” . Rehal had run away since he was 10 , Francine had left when she was 16, and Carole had run away when she was 13 and many times after. It was now my turn. I started looking for a job and got one soon after I began my search. I was to be a dishwasher at a Kentucky restaurant on Spark street. It wasn’t really my first job because I used to work canvassing for paper delivery run when I lived on Lyon Street. For a while my Dad gave me rides to work and soon I had my first pay. I was making $2.00 and hour and feeling like I was making millions. Before I even had my first pay my Dad was already telling me that he wanted me to give it to him the day I get it . He wasn’t asking me to pay rent , he was asking me for the whole pay. “Big mistake” I thought to myself since I was already contemplating moving into the city someday. He just moved the schedule up for me. I started looking for a place and quickly found one about 2 miles from my work. My rent was $50.00/mnth. I paid my rent and started planning my run away. I think it was a Friday night because my dad was drunk again and reminding me about handing over my pay. I went to my room and packed quietly then waited for him to pass out. It was early in the morning that I decided to hitchhiked to my room . I was working that day so I dropped my backpack off and went to work. My Mom showed up in the late morning asking me what I was doing? My sweet Mom always in denial! I told her I had my own room now and I wasn’t coming home. She didn’t argue she turned around and left . So now I was on my own! My food bills were cheap because my meals were included for free. I usually started at 11:00 am so before I would make myself 2 club sandwich and a large milk . I ate all my meals there and took home fried chicken at night . I was free and I had great plans for myself . I was going to be better then my Dad and richer when I get old. All those dreams on $80.00 per week.

Fight or run?

When you read about my teenage years you may get the impression that I was getting in a lot of fight . That would be incorrect . In fact for the most part I live a very peaceful existence . I am still to this day very shy when it comes to approaching someone I am attracted to. The fear of rejection from such a person is so strong that often I just don’t bother. I will deliberately walk around a person or take a detour to avoid conflict . Even when I shop! If the lanes are to full I will avoid that lane and come back to it later. The question of fight or run was resolve a long time ago when I was in grade 6 . On that day it was my birthday and my friends were seeking me out to give me the “bumps”. One friend in particular was Richard who would not give up so easily. Richard wasn’t a bully in any sense . In fact in those days I didn’t have bully problems because my friends were the strongest kids in school. I was fast so I knew he would never catch up to me but I was so scared of him catching me that I missed my whole recess . When the bell rang I started walking back and he did catch me and gave me the bumps. I remember as I was walking into the school being ashamed that I had run and hid from him. I reasoned at the time that only a coward runs away so from that day on when confronted with the decision to “run or fight” run would never again be an option. I would however work very hard at avoiding confrontation. I believe that the people who have challenged me miss interpreted my attempt to avoid conflict as fear ! By the time they realise this its usually to late. The interesting thing about these people who disrespected me and tried to “power trip “ on me is that once I made my stand they would usually back down and no fight occurred. A second interesting thing is that once they back down they would never again want to talk to me again. Believe it or not I actually felt guilty sometime for standing up for myself! With the people I called “my friends” I would tolerate a lot more put downs and some time physical abuse . This is a pattern I would repeat over and over in my life even in my girlfriend relationship. I just took more until eventually I would stand up for myself which usually led to me loosing that friend or girlfriend. My evaluation of this is that once you give people power over you even if its just for a brief time they will not give that power back to you without a fight and if you win they will hate you! They wont resent you ! They will hate you!

The change begins

Some thing happen to me after that car accident !Maybe it was the accident or maybe I was just developing as a man and decided it was time I fight back . I was quicker to anger . Where before I would let people walk all over me for a long time now I was giving immediate response to insults or disrespect. Respect became very important to me and disrespect quickly angered me. On the other hand it was as if my personality split in two because I wasn’t always this new person . For the most part I was my tolerant self but I was changing and fear was no longer the force that control my decision. It was a while after my accident that I quit school . Not long after we moved to Manotic Ontario about 20 miles from Ottawa. It was a small house with a small barn . Across the street the people with homes had there back yard to the Rideau river. For a while I kind of felt like I was back on my childhood farm going for long walks along the railroad with our dog. I would go back to Gloucester street once in while because I was missing my friends Dom . More importantly I was missing Theresa . I would also go back to our old farm place to reminisce of when I was a boy. It was during that time that I met Carole Bard . She was a attractive redhead same age as me . I met her through my friend whom I didn’t know had a crush on her at the time . She however took a likening to me so I would hang out there dating her sort of. After a week or so I still hadn’t kissed her. I had missed my opportunity a few times and was never able to come back . So we never kissed . When I visited her I usually got a ride there with my parents who visited an old friend of there regularly. One day Carole and I were sitting on the front door step and my retarded sister Micheline was on the grass signing and rocking her head as she like to do sometime. A skinny boy came by on his bicycle and shouted out “ hey! Look at the retard!”. No sooner had he spoken the words I was on top of him knocking him off his bicycle . I was punching him in the face as he was trying to cover up. “Paul stop!” I herd coming from Carole. I immediately stop and he ran away crying . His older brother came out of the house and I thought he was going to come after me but instead he brought his brother inside . “I thought his older brother was going to fight me” I said to Carole but he didn’t! “I’m glad he didn’t” she said while crying and holding on to me. I thought she meant that she was worried for me but a few minutes later she told me that she had never seen anyone that angry and she was scared of me. At the time I dismissed it but she broke off with me that day and I just wrote it off as she was being stupid. That was my first act of violence and many more would follow before I realised itwas happening.